[Its all red lights and alarms now, especially since, even if Wanderer would want to fight against it, he is not able to do so anymore. It feels as if he's stuck in quicksand and the only way is down.
If he was over this, if he has actively rejected his past, why does it bother him like this? Why does it seem so adamant on telling him that there was no way to reject anything? That there were prices to pay, but that they were higher than he could ever imagine. Perhaps there has been a certain solace in chasing godhood. A certainty that actually wasn't there at the end, but managed to keep him focused.
He had no other purpose than paying off his debts, balancing the books. And that was barely a purpose. Merely an obligation.
Childe will definitely notice that things are going a little haywire inside Wanderer's head. He'll see flashes of memories. A bleeding heart, a flash where the Doctor cracks something open inside his body and a burning cottage. There's confusion and loneliness.
[Wanderer is not the only one who's being sucked down into the quicksand of his own mind. Childe feels how their connection is forcibly making his own consciousness sink into whatever nightmare is bubbling up out of the puppet's mind. He manages to get to his partner, grabbing a hold of him in whatever way would help support him, whether it be an arm or a shoulder, and his back. All the while, he fights to keep control of his own mind as images from Wanderer's memories flash through it, emotions flowing into him from them that don't belong to him.
He barely even hears Wanderer demand help, and the insult wouldn't of mattered much to him at this point either had he heard it- so he tries to calm his companion, panic rising in his own chest at their predicament.]
Take a second and breathe, you gotta calm down. C'mon...
[It's hard to form words, having to close his eyes and grit his teeth as another memory assaults his mind in an instant before it disappears again.]
I'm right here. Slow it down, you're getting too far into your own head, here.
[Wanderer does try to stop the rather negative spiral he finds himself in. After all, he has done it before. He is able to get over himself. And even though he will not ever admit it, it helps to hear Childe spewing nonsense close to him. The louder his voice becomes, the closer he is to this metaphorical light at the end of a tunnel.]
I don't need to breathe.
[Has he been breathing? Wanderer can't remember.]
I don't... [There are still memories bubbling up but they're nowhere as intense as the earlier ones.] ...keep talking.
[That's a good sign, he'll take that as a good sign. Even if he's never known the Harbinger Scaramouche to really be any good at talking, Childe's at least got the social skills to carry on some sort of a conversation in an amicable enough manner to hopefully keep Wanderer with him and not sinking down into a whirlwind of chaos.]
You're doing really good, [he encourages, letting himself be available just in case Wanderer needs to grab a hold of him, use him as a sort of cornerstone, anything he needs right now.]
Just think, when we're done here, we can leave and you can deck me in the face as hard as you want. Just stay with me, right here, in the present. Now is what matters.
[Not whatever these dark, encroaching memories are, ones that reveal a dark time in the puppet's life that he had no idea existed. He can't make heads or tails of them, not without a clear picture given by Wanderer, but the last thing Childe wants to do is talk about memories in case that alone would suck his companion down into his own head again.]
[Harbinger Scaramouche has always been quite good at venting his annoyance, having the worst moods and being generally disliked. And even though he has been able to tone the 'generally disliked' part down, he is still not the 'friendly talker'-type. He probably will never be.
But...despite all of that, Childe's words help. And it helps even more when Childe promises he can punch his face when this is done. Because yeah, faces are going to be punched for sure.]
Lets quit right now.
[Wanderer blinks and looks up at his former co-worker.]
We'll quit this nonsense and we'll go outside. And there I will stomp you into the ground. [He briefly wonders if Childe has been able to witness his memories. Not that they're that much of a secret or that he is unable to face them. But this entire world works outside of anything he knows of.
And finally he does reach out to grab the collar of Childe's shirt, tugging him so that he can look at him directly.]
[Childe leans down towards Wanderer when his collar is grabbed, the abyssal blue of his lightless eyes meeting the electric purple of the other's that reflect understanding despite the declaration. What matters is stabilizing this bond between them, and though he can still feel the calamity between the two of them, he appreciates the fact that Wanderer is choosing to cooperate here.
It's a lot better than five minutes ago, and he won't throw this opportunity away.]
Alright. We'll have a grand fight as soon as we're out of here. Keep that focus on me and we'll be done before you know it.
[Childe glares over to the technicians who are monitoring them, not hiding the urgency behind his gaze and shouts at them in a commanding tone that reflects his status as a Harbinger than a test subject.]
Cut it, now. We're done here.
[But, you two aren't-]
I said cut it, now. Don't make me repeat myself.
[Childe holds onto Wanderer a little tighter in anticipation, and a few moments later there's a sudden disconnect in his mind as the line that connects the two of them is severed suddenly. His eyes close and his teeth grit as everything that was flowing through his mind disappears, with only ghosts of memories and feelings remaining. It's disorienting, and he struggles to stay upright as they swirl around in his head with nowhere to go.]
[Wanderer is slowly regaining his grip on reality and he's sure that there will be a point where he'll start to hate the fact that it is Childe's voice that keeps him afloat right now. Because he has to focus on that sound. He has to focus on hands holding him.]
Tsk.
[It is the only thing that makes it past his lips while he gathers his thoughts and, most of all, his sanity. At times things do come to the surface, but they don't hurt that much anymore. They are just there. Fragments. Nothing more.
Wanderer closes his eyes and the second their minds disconnect he is aware of a flash and odd feelings that linger.]
Remain on your feet, idiot. [He rubs his eyes.] Just remember that they're not yours and you will be fine.
I know that, [he bites back through gritted teeth, but it's already starting to get better. He's sure it's not the same weight of memories between the two of them, after all, he's only got twenty-ish years of them to experience while the Wanderer has four or five hundred or so for Tartaglia to deal with.
If that's the burden of an immortal, maybe he's better off the way he is now.]
I'll be fine. Let's just go.
[But he's got a lot of questions about what he saw- however, that's going to have to wait. For now, he focuses on both Wanderer and himself, doing his best to ignore the lingering images and memories that don't make sense without context that float in his head.]
[Slowly Wanderer gets back on his feet and he realizes very well that his mood has plummeted to an absolute low. He has come to terms with his past, yet his past seems so very eager to come and bite him in the ass. To become an enemy instead of a sin he has to atone for one day sooner or later.
It annoys him.
Because being able to accept himself is quite important, yet here it feels as if it doesn't matter at all.
Quickly he removes all the wires and starts to wiggle out of the suit.]
Tch. I'm used to this.
[Its more something he says to himself in order to keep on his feet. He has had worse, he knows this. There have been greater falls, greater sins. He figures Childe will start to ask his questions soon and, to be fair, he is no mood for questions. He just wants to get out. So that is what he's trying to do. Getting out. And be quick about it.]
[Childe doesn't bother to take his off, as long as the wires are no longer attached to him and he can freely leave. It's not a priority- rather, he'd prefer to get Wanderer out of here and towards some fresh air so they can get their minds straight after such a disastrous session. He only lets go of his companion to remove those wires, before they both make their way out of the room. If Wanderer still needs to grab onto him, he's available, but Childe is doing his best not to need any assistance. He really doesn't want to hear it from the puppet if he stumbles and falls, and walking is difficult enough.
Once they're out, Childe lets the sun shine down on his face and he takes a deep breath. Wanderer's memories still swirl in his head, but at least it's easier to deal with now that they're not assaulting him without restraint.]
Alright. I need you to clear something up for me.
[Through the feelings of loneliness, through the pain he felt through those memories, one thing really stood out to him.]
What did The Doctor do to you?
[He wants a real answer, not some vague answer. His tone of voice is serious, almost accusatory towards the Doctor. That flash of that memory, that seemed more than wrong...]
[Anyone who would say that puppets could not have headaches would have been amazed by now. Because Wanderer definitely has a headache and even though he really wants to increase the distance between him and the other he does not really succeed because of it. Really, he wants to be away before the questions would come.
And he's sure that Childe will start asking questions soon. But of course he's not gone in time. And perhaps he owes the other some sort of answer.
So he stops and moves to turn around with a tired look on his face. The answer to that question would depend on what Childe has seen. Perhaps it were the experiments and repairs. Perhaps it was something else.]
Hmn.
[Wanderer crosses his arms slowly and manages to put up the most annoyed face he can muster at this point.]
He ruined everything. My fate. The lives of those I cared for. [A chuckle.] Worry not... [Now he laughs, because really, it is the only thing he can do at moments like this.] ...it is all my fault. [Being naive and all...] Even when I tried to...
[But that is where he shuts up and shakes his head. Shouldn't he be looking forward? Eyes focused on a new excistence? Why did it feel as if it did not matter? His past was long gone, something that could not be changed. He did accept that, not?]
[He gives the puppet his full attention, not wavering for a moment as he speaks. Maybe, before today, if Wanderer had told him this, he wouldn't of cared. Dismissed him, made fun of him, waved his hand as if his pain and suffering didn't matter in the slightest to him at all.
But it's different when one feels it for themselves. Those intense feelings of betrayal, of sadness and suffering. It's another window into explaining to Childe why Scaramouche had absconded with the gnosis all that time ago. He knew what he was, that the gnosis was something important to him- that's why he wasn't surprised when he disappeared with it initially. But this gives him so much more food for thought, and he'd only seen tiny flashes of memory.]
Oh? Tried to what, now?
[He'll push on that. He'd like to know what he tried, because it's shocking to hear Scaramouche, though he seems changed, admit that there were lives he cared for. Never would he of thought that prior to now, but after that, he believes him. Not a single word out of the puppet's mouth has been a lie.]
Save them?
[Though, the "how" he could of saved them is so much different than the reality of what he tried to do. Childe isn't sure how Wanderer could have saved anyone from the Doctor- he was a Harbinger, the second of which, powerful beyond imagination. Stopping him? He doubts that was even possible.]
[When Childe starts to ask more questions he snaps out of it. He blinks a couple of times before focusing his gaze onto te other.]
That's enough. [The tone of his voice is a lot more stern now.] Make what you want out of the images you have seen or the emotions you have experienced. I figure they weren't pleasant. [He shrugs and while his arms are still crossed he clenches his hands to fists.
Especially after experiencing that Childe's memories were so...normal and human. Warm and so stupidly fragile that he can't do anything but be disgusted. And maybe, somewhere deep inside of him there is a voice telling him how great it must be to feel that way.]
[It sounds a lot like telling him that all his loved ones are dead is like him saying "happy now?" that he's somewhat answered his question. Scaramouche has lived a long life, he's well aware of that. So has the Doctor, with the strange experimentation he's done on himself to create clones of himself from different points in his life. He knows little of the Second Harbinger, but his intuition tells him that it wouldn't be all that surprising if the Doctor has been around as long as Wanderer has.
Because as far as he knew, while the puppet has been in the Fatui, he's had no one else but himself.]
I figure it's been quite some time since they were alive. But if you're not willing to share, then I won't press the matter. Perhaps we can talk on this again another day, when you're feeling a little better.
[His tone is still neutral, careful not to let any kind of pity or softness reveal itself. No doubt that Wanderer probably wouldn't want it, so he won't show it to him- even if he better understands that bitter outer shell that encases the immortal puppet.]
Anyway, never mind that. I did say you could punch me in the face after we left, so go ahead. I always keep my word.
[Wanderer glares at his former colleague. Truly, every fiber in his body just wants to leave. Still, he cannot pass on that offer.
One second he stands still, the next one he blasts forward to land a blow in Childe's face, followed by a quite crude ball of anemo in the stomach area, meant to send the other flying backwards...]
[Sometimes, he wishes he wasn't a man of his word. He's ready for Wanderer to attack him, he's absolutely positive that if given the chance to deck him, he will. He's always been the sort who's enjoyed seeing his subordinates suffer for some reason, reasons he'll never agree with. So when the punch comes, he braces himself to take it, the fist slamming into his jaw and snapping the entire upper part of his body to the side.
What he didn't agree to is the next blow, anemo forming into the palm of the puppet that blasts him several feet away. Childe sails through the air, landing right on his side and rolling a few more feet away, coughing and doing his best to try to suck air back into his lungs. After a few moments, he pushes part of himself up to glare at Wanderer, clearly irritated with the free extra blow he took.]
...That wasn't part of the deal! You really want to pick a fight with me, [he says before he gets cut off by coughing again,] don't you? Come at me, you coward...
[What a cheap shot, he's so mad about it. The Harbinger picks himself up off the ground, holding his stomach in pain, but still ready for a fight.]
[Wanderer turns around instead, not wanting to indulge Childe in whatever fight. This is enough for now.
What Childe can hear is a soft, bitter chuckle.]
Heh. I can't deny that. [More chuckles.] I am a bit of a coward.
[To be fair, he feels quite bad. Not that he's one bit sorry about what he did to Childe, but all in all, this has been bad. And whenever Wanderer feels bad he can't do anything else but laugh about it.]
[He's too angry right now to think about the deeper meaning to all of that, finally to his feet and walking forward towards his companion.]
But I'm not going to let you off so easy. You either fight me now, or the next time we train together, we have a fight so fierce that neither of us will be able to stand for a week.
[Which actually sounds more fun than an impromptu fight right here...despite how much he wants to fight right now.]
[Still, he won't mind a more fierce training session in the future. Perhaps it is a good thing to be able to let it all out.
But no now. He just doesn't feel that great and his mood is downright awful.]
Leave me alone.
[Because the second he notices that Childe is starting to follow him he calls upon the wind to make sure he's able to move faster. The other can see him lift from the ground and then he simply zooms away.]
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no subject
If he was over this, if he has actively rejected his past, why does it bother him like this? Why does it seem so adamant on telling him that there was no way to reject anything? That there were prices to pay, but that they were higher than he could ever imagine. Perhaps there has been a certain solace in chasing godhood. A certainty that actually wasn't there at the end, but managed to keep him focused.
He had no other purpose than paying off his debts, balancing the books. And that was barely a purpose. Merely an obligation.
Childe will definitely notice that things are going a little haywire inside Wanderer's head. He'll see flashes of memories. A bleeding heart, a flash where the Doctor cracks something open inside his body and a burning cottage. There's confusion and loneliness.
But above all...]
Help me...you shitty worm.
no subject
He barely even hears Wanderer demand help, and the insult wouldn't of mattered much to him at this point either had he heard it- so he tries to calm his companion, panic rising in his own chest at their predicament.]
Take a second and breathe, you gotta calm down. C'mon...
[It's hard to form words, having to close his eyes and grit his teeth as another memory assaults his mind in an instant before it disappears again.]
I'm right here. Slow it down, you're getting too far into your own head, here.
no subject
I don't need to breathe.
[Has he been breathing? Wanderer can't remember.]
I don't... [There are still memories bubbling up but they're nowhere as intense as the earlier ones.] ...keep talking.
no subject
[That's a good sign, he'll take that as a good sign. Even if he's never known the Harbinger Scaramouche to really be any good at talking, Childe's at least got the social skills to carry on some sort of a conversation in an amicable enough manner to hopefully keep Wanderer with him and not sinking down into a whirlwind of chaos.]
You're doing really good, [he encourages, letting himself be available just in case Wanderer needs to grab a hold of him, use him as a sort of cornerstone, anything he needs right now.]
Just think, when we're done here, we can leave and you can deck me in the face as hard as you want. Just stay with me, right here, in the present. Now is what matters.
[Not whatever these dark, encroaching memories are, ones that reveal a dark time in the puppet's life that he had no idea existed. He can't make heads or tails of them, not without a clear picture given by Wanderer, but the last thing Childe wants to do is talk about memories in case that alone would suck his companion down into his own head again.]
no subject
But...despite all of that, Childe's words help. And it helps even more when Childe promises he can punch his face when this is done. Because yeah, faces are going to be punched for sure.]
Lets quit right now.
[Wanderer blinks and looks up at his former co-worker.]
We'll quit this nonsense and we'll go outside. And there I will stomp you into the ground. [He briefly wonders if Childe has been able to witness his memories. Not that they're that much of a secret or that he is unable to face them. But this entire world works outside of anything he knows of.
And finally he does reach out to grab the collar of Childe's shirt, tugging him so that he can look at him directly.]
We go right now.
no subject
It's a lot better than five minutes ago, and he won't throw this opportunity away.]
Alright. We'll have a grand fight as soon as we're out of here. Keep that focus on me and we'll be done before you know it.
[Childe glares over to the technicians who are monitoring them, not hiding the urgency behind his gaze and shouts at them in a commanding tone that reflects his status as a Harbinger than a test subject.]
Cut it, now. We're done here.
[But, you two aren't-]
I said cut it, now. Don't make me repeat myself.
[Childe holds onto Wanderer a little tighter in anticipation, and a few moments later there's a sudden disconnect in his mind as the line that connects the two of them is severed suddenly. His eyes close and his teeth grit as everything that was flowing through his mind disappears, with only ghosts of memories and feelings remaining. It's disorienting, and he struggles to stay upright as they swirl around in his head with nowhere to go.]
Ngh...
no subject
Tsk.
[It is the only thing that makes it past his lips while he gathers his thoughts and, most of all, his sanity. At times things do come to the surface, but they don't hurt that much anymore. They are just there. Fragments. Nothing more.
Wanderer closes his eyes and the second their minds disconnect he is aware of a flash and odd feelings that linger.]
Remain on your feet, idiot. [He rubs his eyes.] Just remember that they're not yours and you will be fine.
no subject
If that's the burden of an immortal, maybe he's better off the way he is now.]
I'll be fine. Let's just go.
[But he's got a lot of questions about what he saw- however, that's going to have to wait. For now, he focuses on both Wanderer and himself, doing his best to ignore the lingering images and memories that don't make sense without context that float in his head.]
no subject
It annoys him.
Because being able to accept himself is quite important, yet here it feels as if it doesn't matter at all.
Quickly he removes all the wires and starts to wiggle out of the suit.]
Tch. I'm used to this.
[Its more something he says to himself in order to keep on his feet. He has had worse, he knows this. There have been greater falls, greater sins. He figures Childe will start to ask his questions soon and, to be fair, he is no mood for questions. He just wants to get out. So that is what he's trying to do. Getting out. And be quick about it.]
no subject
Once they're out, Childe lets the sun shine down on his face and he takes a deep breath. Wanderer's memories still swirl in his head, but at least it's easier to deal with now that they're not assaulting him without restraint.]
Alright. I need you to clear something up for me.
[Through the feelings of loneliness, through the pain he felt through those memories, one thing really stood out to him.]
What did The Doctor do to you?
[He wants a real answer, not some vague answer. His tone of voice is serious, almost accusatory towards the Doctor. That flash of that memory, that seemed more than wrong...]
no subject
And he's sure that Childe will start asking questions soon. But of course he's not gone in time. And perhaps he owes the other some sort of answer.
So he stops and moves to turn around with a tired look on his face. The answer to that question would depend on what Childe has seen. Perhaps it were the experiments and repairs. Perhaps it was something else.]
Hmn.
[Wanderer crosses his arms slowly and manages to put up the most annoyed face he can muster at this point.]
He ruined everything. My fate. The lives of those I cared for. [A chuckle.] Worry not... [Now he laughs, because really, it is the only thing he can do at moments like this.] ...it is all my fault. [Being naive and all...] Even when I tried to...
[But that is where he shuts up and shakes his head. Shouldn't he be looking forward? Eyes focused on a new excistence? Why did it feel as if it did not matter? His past was long gone, something that could not be changed. He did accept that, not?]
no subject
But it's different when one feels it for themselves. Those intense feelings of betrayal, of sadness and suffering. It's another window into explaining to Childe why Scaramouche had absconded with the gnosis all that time ago. He knew what he was, that the gnosis was something important to him- that's why he wasn't surprised when he disappeared with it initially. But this gives him so much more food for thought, and he'd only seen tiny flashes of memory.]
Oh? Tried to what, now?
[He'll push on that. He'd like to know what he tried, because it's shocking to hear Scaramouche, though he seems changed, admit that there were lives he cared for. Never would he of thought that prior to now, but after that, he believes him. Not a single word out of the puppet's mouth has been a lie.]
Save them?
[Though, the "how" he could of saved them is so much different than the reality of what he tried to do. Childe isn't sure how Wanderer could have saved anyone from the Doctor- he was a Harbinger, the second of which, powerful beyond imagination. Stopping him? He doubts that was even possible.]
no subject
That's enough. [The tone of his voice is a lot more stern now.] Make what you want out of the images you have seen or the emotions you have experienced. I figure they weren't pleasant. [He shrugs and while his arms are still crossed he clenches his hands to fists.
Especially after experiencing that Childe's memories were so...normal and human. Warm and so stupidly fragile that he can't do anything but be disgusted. And maybe, somewhere deep inside of him there is a voice telling him how great it must be to feel that way.]
They're dead.
no subject
Because as far as he knew, while the puppet has been in the Fatui, he's had no one else but himself.]
I figure it's been quite some time since they were alive. But if you're not willing to share, then I won't press the matter. Perhaps we can talk on this again another day, when you're feeling a little better.
[His tone is still neutral, careful not to let any kind of pity or softness reveal itself. No doubt that Wanderer probably wouldn't want it, so he won't show it to him- even if he better understands that bitter outer shell that encases the immortal puppet.]
Anyway, never mind that. I did say you could punch me in the face after we left, so go ahead. I always keep my word.
no subject
[Wanderer glares at his former colleague. Truly, every fiber in his body just wants to leave. Still, he cannot pass on that offer.
One second he stands still, the next one he blasts forward to land a blow in Childe's face, followed by a quite crude ball of anemo in the stomach area, meant to send the other flying backwards...]
no subject
What he didn't agree to is the next blow, anemo forming into the palm of the puppet that blasts him several feet away. Childe sails through the air, landing right on his side and rolling a few more feet away, coughing and doing his best to try to suck air back into his lungs. After a few moments, he pushes part of himself up to glare at Wanderer, clearly irritated with the free extra blow he took.]
...That wasn't part of the deal! You really want to pick a fight with me, [he says before he gets cut off by coughing again,] don't you? Come at me, you coward...
[What a cheap shot, he's so mad about it. The Harbinger picks himself up off the ground, holding his stomach in pain, but still ready for a fight.]
no subject
What Childe can hear is a soft, bitter chuckle.]
Heh. I can't deny that. [More chuckles.] I am a bit of a coward.
[To be fair, he feels quite bad. Not that he's one bit sorry about what he did to Childe, but all in all, this has been bad. And whenever Wanderer feels bad he can't do anything else but laugh about it.]
no subject
[He's too angry right now to think about the deeper meaning to all of that, finally to his feet and walking forward towards his companion.]
But I'm not going to let you off so easy. You either fight me now, or the next time we train together, we have a fight so fierce that neither of us will be able to stand for a week.
[Which actually sounds more fun than an impromptu fight right here...despite how much he wants to fight right now.]
Should we end it here?
[Still, he won't mind a more fierce training session in the future. Perhaps it is a good thing to be able to let it all out.
But no now. He just doesn't feel that great and his mood is downright awful.]
Leave me alone.
[Because the second he notices that Childe is starting to follow him he calls upon the wind to make sure he's able to move faster. The other can see him lift from the ground and then he simply zooms away.]